A year ago, I was happy with my life.  I didn't do much, but I was very happy.  I was searching for a career and was excited about it.  I hung out in Pickering, mostly chilling at home, smoking up and chilling with friends.  I thought it was a great way to spend my time. 

Leanna has told me to go back to that, or to just get on with my life.  A year later after my bachelorhood ended, I am doing more now than I was a year ago.  I have more activities and hobbies, I get out more.  But there is still this huge void of loneliness and boredom.  When you meet someone that becomes your best friend and lover for a year, it is hard to replace that.  Leanna does such a good job of replacing that void.  She has tons of friends and people that want to hang out with her.  I loved the companionship we gave each other and I only wish it wasn't tarnished by all that fighting.

I don't want to replace her with another girl.  I don't want to forget about her.  I just want this void to go away.

Why is it that every time I put my heart into something, it is always torn from what I love?  I know if I didn't act the way I did, I would still have her trust.  Moving on seems like the hardest thing right now. 

 

I guess there isn't a point in writing on here with no one to read it. Maybe one day she can read it and understand.

"Longest, most drawn out break up ever"

I will admit I have been very unstable and immature in the past few weeks. And I feel terrible that I drove her to feel so angry towards me for making this hard and difficult for both of us.

It took me years to get over Julia.

It took me months to get over Lenna.

But it has only taken me weeks to get over you.

Today for the first time in probably a year, I felt like I didn't have to worry. This whole time I have been worrying about what my gf might be wearing, or who she is talking to, or what she is thinking. And the second I left my old office behind, it was like heavy armor falling off my shoulders. Here I am, in a position of much much less power and influence over her decisions, which meant she was free to do anything she wanted with anyone, and it felt so fucking free.

It took me a year of battling and fighting with my lover to come to this point. To the point where I finally feel free from this insecurity. I can't say I am not a jealous person anymore, but I think worrying was what led to getting jealous.

The saddest part is, she is so angry and frustrated that it took me this long. I do not blame her, I just feel like a piece of shit for everything I have put her through. I want to make up for all the fights I've put her through. I've lost her trust and I want to prove to her I can carry her trust with confidence and security.

So after a miserable, shitty breakup, I feel better than I have before. I feel free from chains I had bound myself so tightly in. I feel like I am about to have a fresh start, but I have soured some one else's life, or at least their view of me. That is what breaks my heart the most.  I really hope time can heal the wounds I've inflicted.




A random soft-pornesque thought.... I always ruin the moment with a bone head move like telling my ex that she is "looking good". It makes me feel like a creep, but at the same time, this is a woman I know intimately, passionately. The last time we made love, all it took was a gentle graze below the belt to get things going. Lenna told me after we broke up, that she had faked all her orgasms, which would make our wild sex look dull. I wouldn't believe Leanna if she even tried to tell me that. Maybe that is what I want to tell myself.  As mad as she is, I still feel that connection.  I think she would stab me before showing that to me at this point, but it wouldn't be the first time we jumped each other in an angry, yet passionate embrace.

i try to be rational and calm and u start yelling and screaming.  you fly off the handle with me when I try to be peaceful.  I want to get over you but I want to at least have the decision to.  Why force me to forget about my feelings for you?  I will let you go, I will stop loving you, I will stop caring about you.  you are free, my heart is broken and dont bother giving a fuck.  It's sad your forcing me to do this.  But I guess not giving a shit about you is the first thing you like.  You like not being wanted, you like being used.  and you cant apprecaite a guy that makes you feel wanted and needed.  it's sad, but when your done searching craigslist for someone who noticed you on the subway, realize you had someone that notices every trace of your beauty, every day.  When your done flirting online and wherever, trying to get guys to notice you, realize your missing out on the one guy who did notice you, and always will.    

please dont block me.  I wont stalk.  I just need 1 avenue to vent my thoughts, and hearing your thoughts and vents does help me.  if you block me you will have cut me off 100% and other than phone I won't have any means to contact you.  I really want the chance to show you I can co exist with you, and be a friend.  We have spent the past year as lover and friends and I am not ready to get over that, or throw that out the door.  I will put my love for you aside until you can heal your wounds that i have caused and to overcome your fears.  If you never do it, that sucks.  

II felt like all my effort to not contact you was wasted when you didn't want to talk to me.  I had held so much in, so much anger and frustration.  I would stare in the mirror and just clench my fist or a twist a towel.  Normally I would smash things or hit something.  It breaks my heart that you won't see that self control.  Then I come into the office and all that self-control seems to fizzle once you don't notice it.  I lost it, I broke that sweet monkey that was a token of our love.  I am ashamed.  I held in so much over the weekend, and I failed to control it.

You could have had a good time with ur guy friends whenever u wanted, and feel good about it without worrying about what I would say, if only you gave me the chance.  Instead you were scared and held back, when I was ready to not get upset.  I am sorry I came too late, because you gave me so many chances to make it up to you.  I hope you can find a way to not be scared of me, to trust me, just like you wanted me to trust you. 

I didn't respond to your post because I wanted to give you your space and time to reflect and think.  At the same time, please understand what lengths I went to not bother you over the weekend.  I guess it was easy to not talk to you, but to battle that urge to call you and see you, to chill with you, to laugh with you and kiss you.  To fight that urge is unbearable to me, yet I managed over the weekend.  Are your kisses and jokes really that sweet?  Is your smile really as awesome as I think it is?  Does your scent really remind me off soft, warm summers breeze?  Maybe it is just me, and I am blinded by love, but I am pretty sure any guy would recognize how amazing you are.

I want to make up with you, I want to work things out.   And it isn't just for you, it is for me.   I know how it feels to see the person I love, cry over the things I have done to them.  With Julia, I was very possessive and controlling.  I would comment on everything she wore and was very insecure and jealous.  I would hurt her with everything I was doing, all my insecurities and jealousies and I could see it on her face.  Since that relationship fell apart, I felt ruined and empty.  I had to pick myself up from something I destroyed.  It took me awhile to get over that relationship and motivated me to never act that way again.

Since Julia, I can say I am 95% better than who I was then.  I still have some set backs, with everything we have experienced and I have been trying to get over them once and for all.  That isn't just because of you and I certainly don't resent you for making me change.  I should be making myself change so I never have to see that Hurt in your eyes.  I have failed you so many times, and you have given me so many chances and the least I can do, is continue trying to be a better person.  That is for myself, as well for any partner I have.  I feel so close to overcoming my insecurities, yet I know you feel drained from this process.  

Please know that i have always tried to change for my own being, to be a better person and to be better than I was with Julia.  I owe you that for every single time you have come back to me, and shown me how trustworthy you are.

I am just as disgusted with how I acted today as you are.  I thought I could handle it, I tried, I got up in the morning.  But with no one to talk to about this on the weekend, I let it bottle inside me, until it exploded when I found out you didn't even want to talk to me this morning.  I tried so hard to give you your space this weekend, and I guess I just felt like it was all for nothing, like you didn't notice or care.   I have lost my closest friend and you want nothing to do with me and that is hard to just not care about.  If I could, I would.  I had to do it with Julia, and lenna, and I was hoping I wouldn't have to with you.  I hoped I could overcome my problems and live happy with you.  I can see it in our future, but you have to see it too.  I am sorry I blew up, more sorry to myself than to you.  I am trying to have a winning attitude for my competition, but I feel so defeated.  

and I am sorry I don't seem enthusiastic about things you say.  I have always loved every outing we have had together.  I was proud when salima said we were a couple that did cool things together.  I was so upset every time one of our fights ruined our nights out.  Lately, I have been worried about losing weight and buying a car.  On friday, some car dealer shafted me when I went over on break and I was pissed off.  I was stressed out and adding more things to do wasn't helping.  Any other day, I would have loved to go to the zoo, wonderland, the movies, your place, my place, the lake, any where your beautiful face would be.  and I would love every minute of it.

So block me if you will, this may be my last chance to talk to you.  I just think it's easier if we can communicate our feelings, yet maintaining our distance.  I don't have a problem giving you your space, but never talking to you again in the near future, is YOU going to the extreme, something you told me you didnt like when I do.

I am sure it may only be a matter of time before you block me on this site too, but for now, this is my only way to know how you are feeling.

I know your frustrated and angry.  But how do you really feel? 

To go almost a year, hanging out with someone I consider my best friend, to having to get over that person and completely sever communication, hurts so much.  you will say "that's breaking up" and yes it is, but it still sucks not being able to talk to your best friend.

We have made it so far, you held on for so long.  I cannot understand why you gave up when it seem to be getting better.  I do stupid things still, but no where near the amount of stupid things I did before.  It;s like you stuck around for so long, and then gave up when I was trying to make things work.

I am sorry you felt like giving up.  I have always respected you and I do trust you.  I hope our relationship can be repaired in the future.  I am sure once we have time to deal with our own issues, you will still want to be with me.  I hope so at least.  I love you very much, and we may not be working now, but after time heals some wounds, Maybe taking another chance on us will make things better.

you are an awesome person and I miss you greatly.  I miss your smile and your touch, your scent and the presence that fills a room whenever you are in it.   

Maybe before I get blocked from your profile on here, you could let me know what it is your feeling. 

Last Saturday we had this exact same fight and you said the exact same things you said last night and today.  As much as it hurt last week, I gave you your space and by the end of Saturday night, I received an email from you.

I had let you go, I was trying to let you go, but you did so on your own.  You probably feel the same way this week.  Angry and frustrated.  I don't blame you.

I will admit that I have lost myself at work.  I am going to have to find that now so I can concentrate on my work.  You may say this is the end, but I am still working hard to be a better person.

Maybe one day when your not angry and you are happy again; and when I feel secure and confident , maybe that spark will still be there.  I doubt you want to believe it will be there.  You are the first woman I have shown I could change.  You may not see it, but I do.  

Take this time, enjoy yourself and your friends.  Don't let me get you down.  But I would appreciate if you didn't resent me, or despise me.  I would hope that you don't see me as that jealous, insecure asshole I was in the beginning.  I ruined us by being that way and I have tried so hard to overcome those obstacles.  I was too late, but time heals all wounds.  Please see me as you do when you were in love with me, and when I was the boyfriend you adored.  I can accept that and let you go, any other way would be difficult, but I would have to bear it.

I started thinking about my dad randomly.  I started thinking about his past and what he has been through.  It actually started when I was thinking of giving his eulogy at his funeral, which hasn't needed to occur yet thankfully.

My Dad doesn't share his past too often and his parents are not around anymore to ask.  SO what I have pieced together is that at an early age, my dad's real father who wasn't married to my grandma, apparently died in WW2 as my dad was born in 1943.  The only clue to my dad's real father's identity is an old picture of this soldier and my grandma and my dad as a baby.  It is believed he was KIA and never heard from again.  This would be traumatizing enough for a kid. 

My grandma remarried a few years later when my dad was still a young boy.  Her husband, who would end up being the "papa" I knew on my dad's side, didn't seem to want to adopt my dad as his son.  He had a daughter with my "nana" (what I called my grandma) and always favoured her until the day he died.  My Papa would apparently beat on my dad when he did something wrong.  Maybe more in the spanking way but ruthless nonetheless.  He was from Denmark and also served in the War, gaining several medals along the way.  He ended up sending my dad away to live with my nana's friends, in peterborough.  I dont even think my dad was old enough to realize that this was a new father that for some reason didn't want the burden of another soldier's son.  So he grew up with a father that never wanted him and would send him away.

I once read a letter where my papa was telling nana how terrible my dad was for ruining his pants with rips.  The letter was pretty brutal and any kid would be crushed if they heard there father getting so angry over pants.  My dad grew up in a time where the cost of living was extremly low.  The whole "bread was a nickel and movies were a dime" is how my dad grew up.  I remember crying coming home to my parents saying how mean the kids were to me in school.  My dad would tell me stories of how the kids use to throw rocks at him and hit him in the head with these rocks, to the point where he bled.  I can't remember any moral to those stories of the rock-kids...it's like he has left me to figure out what the moral of the story is.  My dad use to have terrible black teeth because when he was a boy the dentist would beat him and slap him around if he twitched or gagged.  and in school, if he did something wrong he would be beaten with a stick or paddle.  I would be tough as nails if I had that for everytime I was a brat. 

Little is known about my dad's teenage years.  He spent it at his "second family" home in peterborough...finding a new father and mother figure and a new sister.  All people that accepted him and wanted him as their own.  After that, My dad picked up some bad ass tattoo's when he moved to Toronto and started working as a young adult.  Tiger on his shoulder, 4 aces wrapped in ribbon on the back of his hand.  Love and Hate, 1 on each knee cap.  A ton more faded tattoo's, 1 that was apparently his gf's name at one point.  Others that look like they were put on in prison and ran out of ink before it was finished.  I asked my dad if he ever drank or did drugs...he said "only uppers and downers"  I don't think he even realize what speed is or was...but uppers and downers it is.  Oh and a pack of smokes a day, maybe two.  He lived back with nana and papa until he was 35.  Worked various jobs around toronto. Maple Leaf Gardens, various joe jobs around Toronto until he eventually worked for the Government to this day.  No School, just hard work.

I'll skip the marriage to my mom into my early childhood and how I remember my dad.  For as long as I can remember...my parents would always fight over the smallest things.  Never physical, a lot of verbal.;  Actually, my mom would grab his arms and dig her nails into him, but it wasn't technically "hitting".  I remember my parents loving me very much...but I hardly remember them loving each other.  A few cute kissy moments and i'm sure their fair share of intimacy (*shudders*).  They were also married for close to a decade before I was born.  When I would get into trouble, my dad would never handle the disciplining.  Always my mom, which was worse!  Now I remember how my dad was disciplined as a child...and he wanted none of that for his child.  He would even take up for me against my mom when I was obviously misbehaving and would sneak me in at nights to watch  tv after bed time.  But I still remember many occassions where my mom threatened to leave him and wished they never got married and would pack her stuff and mine and march us out of the house.  She criticized my father for his weaknessess.  I see it as nagging frankly.  My dad isn't the smartest guy, nor the handiest with his hands and he had a rough child hood.  A rough marriage.  A lot more rough than my childhood.

What I'm getting at is how can I view my insecurities significant, when my father bore 10x worse!  I may have been picked on in elementary school and let down by people I invest a lot of time and energy in (mainly in relationships), but never to the degree my dad suffered.  His insecurities should be through the roof which I think they were for the longest time. He had a rough time when nana and papa died a month apart in '97.  He would visit them every sunday, to my mother's protest, for years and years, until they were old and needed a nursing home, to which he still continued to see them, faithfully. 

My dad to this day is a calm, comforting man.  He is a man of very few words, very stubborn yet emits a beaming smile (fixed up after 40 years of staying away from the dentist) that make up for his lack of words, or awkward silences.  He bends over backwards to serve his family, doing the dishes, laundry and anything else that needs to be done faithfully for years.  Why isn't he angry and bitter?  When did he learn he didn't have to be insecure from his past? 

The most wonderful thing I think of my father is that he has always called me Son.  For as long as  I can remember, he calls me son, when he is mad, when he is happy.  It's a wonderful feeling being someone's son and knowing that person loves you.  And this is when I realize...he calls me son because he wishes he could have been loved liked that as a child. He knows what it is like to not be wanted, to be rejected.  He knows what it's like to work hard and take pride in a boring government job, which he excels at.  He doesn't know his fathers real name.  He was beat on and picked on as a child.  Probably did some fucked up things in his 20-30's.  MArried a woman that quite possibly, shouldnt have been with.  Yet after all those years, he is calm and mellow and doesnt need any drugs to do that.  He is happy with his wife as they don't fight as agressivly as they use to and get along now.  He does everything and anything for me, and as annoying as I find it sometimes, he gives what he naturally desired as a child.

If my father can be this calm and gentle after all he has been through, then I am ashamed of what I consider hard times.  It is my model to look up to when dealing with my own insecurities.  If Mike Nelson did it, so can his Son.

Not interested in this site anymore